My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny
by CelticFlame
Summary: Sirius is obsessed with his former lover. When the wrong person approaches him at the wrong time, his lapse in judgement could be his downfall.
1. Default Chapter

Title: My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny (01/04)

Author name: CelticFlame

Author e-mail :TgrzDlphns@yahoo.com/Sirius@black.org

Category:dark romance

Keywords Sirius, James, Lily, slash, MWPP

Rating R

Spoilers None

Summary: Sirius is obsessed with his former lover. When the wrong person approaches him at the wrong time, his lapse in judgement could be his downfall.

Warnings: Implied Slash, please don't read this story if it bothers you

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Hi there!

Welcome to a little fic that just came to me one day this week while I was working on another story. It basically wrote itself which is always something I look forward to Grins

The story is a first person one, told in Sirius' voice and is set in the MWPP era. There will be 4-5 chapters here all rather short in length, so if you're not anxious to try one of my dark and angsty novel lengths, give this one a whirl.

If you'd like to check out my other stories, they can be found at the following links. http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/CelticFlame/ , http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/CelticFlame_and_LrdMarkus/ , http://www.riddikulus.org/authorLinks/CelticFlame/ , and http://www.thedarkarts.org/authorLinks/Celtic_Flame/

Padfoot, my muse, would LOVE to know what you think of this one. Your replies will be the doggie biscuits I've been too busy writing to go out and buy. Feed a muse today, it's really pathetic listening to his stomach growling!

Thanks for reading!

Bree

Check out my Live Journal for updates on my life. http://www.livejournal.com/users/brianajade/

Now onto the story!

My angel. My Destruction. My heartache. My destiny.

Chapter 1

I wanted them both!

They were so perfect. They were the king and queen of Hogwarts. Nice, fun, exciting, they were so many things that I do not have the adjectives to describe them.

But I wanted them with every fiber of my being.

I don't quite know when I discovered that I had feelings for them both. I'd been in love with him for ages. I lusted for him for years. When I curled up in my bed every night I dreamed about him. Then, after years of want he shared my bed. In our sixth year, he began sharing his with her. I would lie there at night, trying to sneak a peek at them and feeling so dirty for doing so. Later, I realized that I wanted her as much as I had wanted him.

I watched them together and ached to be between them. I thought that jealousy might be my motivation, but soon I realized that my feelings were different. I wanted to be with both James and Lily instead of replacing one of them.

It thrilled me. It gave me a dark thrill to desire both of them so. I knew that I was bisexual, but I had never pursued both sides of my sexuality at the same time before. There had been men. Well, there had been James, and there had been a couple of women, but never together. That had never been my desire before.

Soon, it was my obsession. It was all I could think about. When James smiled at me, I remembered the feel of his mouth on my heated flesh. When Lily's eyes met mine, I felt it in the pit of my stomach.

Those around me noticed that something was very wrong. Frank Longbottom tried to get me interested in Quidditch but I couldn't concentrate and fell from my broom. Remus Lupin tried to distract me with long discussions about our classes, as if I cared. Peter Pettigrew did nothing to distract me, but I often felt his worried gaze on me. Even James and Lily would settle on my bed when I was staring off into space. 

The times when the objects of my obsession were so close were the hardest. The curtains around my bed gave it an intimate feel. James and Lily would snuggle close as we spoke and I could feel the emotions in the air. The way he would stroke her hip or run a hand through her hair made my heart ache. I wanted him to touch me like that again! I wanted the feel of her soft delicate hands on my body. I wanted to be lost in the heat between them.

When James and Lily began dating he stopped sleeping with me. Our relationship was that of best friends who occasionally shagged. All the lads in our dorm knew what we were up to; it's bloody hard to hide that sort of relationship from your mates. None of them ever minded or if they did they never spoke of it to me, until the day James and I went for a stroll and that turned into our goodbye shag. He explained that he wanted to try to make a go of it with Lily Evans and wanted a clean slate. Tabula Rasa, the arrogant wanker even used the Latin word.

I loved James enough to give him his clean slate, but my body didn't necessarily understand the meaning of being cut off. Every time he leaned in and nudged my shoulder with an intimate laugh, my hands ached to hold him. When he gave me those bloody smiles so full of promise I wanted to hate him for leaving me for her. 

Somehow our friendship was strong enough to stay solid despite the changes in James' life. I was unable to hate my best friend and he was unable to see how much he was hurting me. Now, don't be thinking that he's some soulless wanker, because he's not. He was just too wrapped up in his new relationship to take notice of the fact that I was still pining after him. If he had known, he would have sat me down and discussed it. That's just James' way. Sometimes, he's too bloody nice for his own good.

I had to get them out of my head. Just the thought of them set me on fire.

Lily, just as nice as James. Just as beautiful as he is handsome. How did they find the perfect compliment to each other? It was too neat. They were only seventeen years old, bloody hell, finding a soulmate isn't that easy!

She came to me in my dreams sometimes with her red hair wildly loose and her green eyes shimmering. James watched as I had my way with her and it was perfect, it was incredible. Every time after waking up, my disappointment was as palpable as the throbbing and the mess to clean up. When that happened I moved silently through the dormitory, fearful of discovery because I knew that they were asleep together in the next bed.

I had to forget about them. My twisted fantasies of us being together were just that-fantasies. I could not continue down this road. I couldn't ever give voice to my deepest and darkest desire! I had to get them out of my mind and calm my lust, but that was not easy.

I had let my mind drift while I conjured up possibilities. There would be no other man for me, so that option was out. If I had really searched I would have undoubtedly found one of a dozen women that could have occupied me. There were some that I had an understanding with and there were even some I lusted after occasionally. I had to keep up my reputation as ladies' man even though I shared my bed with James every night. I wouldn't have given him up for anyone. It's too bad he didn't feel the same way about me. Even now, it still hurts.

Look at me; I'm cursed! I needed a distraction. I needed someone to help me forget, but was there such a creature nearby? I have fallen for great many female charms and it would have taken a rare creature to distract me from my quiet madness.

Then she came to me. My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny.

As if in a dream, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up immediately; finding myself quite disoriented for a moment. I had been so lost in my thoughts that day that I had forgotten that I was in the Gryffindor common room and visible to anyone. I blinked a few times before focusing on the beauty that stood above me.

"Hello love." I said in an offhand manner and gave her one of my trademark smiles. It would not do to have her suspect that I was not quite myself.

"Hi Sirius." She replied with a small smile and tossed her blonde hair. My body awoke to her scent and presence and my decision was made.

I grinned. She would be perfect for me. Plus, she was a fellow Gryffindor and she was Lily Evan's best friend. If we shagged the news would certainly get back to James. I could prove to him that I was over him fully, that he and Lily didn't effect me.

I had never intended to be destroyed by a lapse in judgement and a twist of fate.

My course in life was drawn in that brief moment. I reached for her hand slowly. "Narcissa, would you like to spend some time with me tonight?"

End of Ch 1


	2. Ch 2

Title: My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny (02/04)

Author name: CelticFlame

Author e-mail :TgrzDlphns@yahoo.com/Sirius@black.org

Category:dark romance

Keywords Sirius, James, Lily, slash, MWPP

Rating R

Spoilers None

Summary: Sirius is obsessed with his former lover. When the wrong person approaches him at the wrong time, his lapse in judgement could be his downfall.

Warnings: Implied Slash in chapter 1, please don't read this story if it bothers you

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Hi there!

Chapter 2 of My angel. My destruction.My heartache. My destiny. Didn't take all THAT long to complete so here it is for your reading pleasure. This is quickly becoming the easiest fic of mine to write so I'd expect it to be completed in a very short while. It's still set to be a four parter, but may melt into a fifth part if my muse behaves.

The back chapter can be found at http://www.thedarkarts.org/authorLinks/Celtic_Flame/My_Angel_My_Destiny/

If you find that you like this story, all of my fanfic is linked from the following page: http://66.186.219.233/breesden/breeficden/index.htm

Please tell me what you think of this story and this pairing. Since I'm feeling VERY comfortable with writing them Sirius and Narcissa may make themselves a popular couple in my fics, but I want to know what YOU like as well. 

Plus, your replies will feed my muse, Padfoot. Padfoot is currently VERY put out because he's working and not getting any extra doggie treats for his trouble. Feed a muse today, I can't AFFORD the leather pants that he wants ;)

Thanks for reading!

Bree

Ch 2

The first moments Narcissa and I spent together were bloody average. We had some awkward first moments, as two people who comprise part of a group do when finally alone. When the comforting cloak of friends is gone, the situation lends itself to insecurity and awkwardness. I had never been so off balance before. I had never been so awkward around women either, and that caused me to feel off balance and a bit angry.

"What do you like to do?" I asked her finally as our silence had lengthened. I took a quick glance at my mood watch. Mood watches were the popular toy for wizards that year. They accurately predicted the wearer's mood by pointing arrows at bars of color. Mine had gone from the yellow of uncomfortable to blinking purple and saying awkward, and I knew that I had to do something. Narcissa was supposed to be the answer to my prayers, not a separate nightmare.

"Why don't we go to Hogsmeade?" She gave me a naughty grin as she said this. Students were not allowed off the grounds because of the heightened tensions in our world, but I was never one to obey the rules.

"Hogsmeade it is, then," I replied. "But I'll have to blindfold you. You cannot know my secrets."

Narcissa chuckled in a sultry manner, and I realized that she was a more mature female than the other Gryffindors of her year. Perhaps she was the only experienced one beside Lily. Unlike Lily though, Narcissa had a very mature, knowing look in her eyes. I moved closer as I transfigured a blindfold from a dinner napkin.

Her eyes were royal blue, deep, mysterious. As her mouth curved into a small knowing smile, I felt my body respond in ways that should have been reserved for my first love. My head lowered to hers and in a brief moment of clarity, I knew that my life had irrevocably changed.

When my lips met hers an explosion went off behind my closed eyes. A wave of desire rushed through me, and I sank to my knees, lost in the sensations that her mouth arose in me. She slid down with me and soon I was lying atop her, groaning with need.

"Sirius," she finally said, breathlessly. "We must not be found here. That old bird, McGonagall, might see something she's never experienced before.

I laughed deeply, and the humor seemed to break the hold that she had over me. I brandished the blindfold teasingly. "Come, Narcissa, let me blindfold you."  


"And ravish me?" she replied. "You won't be getting me that easily, Sirius Black!" To this day, I don't know how she did it, but in a few moments my vision blackened. I reached up to check, and realized that the blindfold I had held securely was now tied firmly around my face.

My hands reached back to undo the ties, but as my hand met the fabric, a nasty jolt had me yelping.

"I charmed the ends," Narcissa said in a distinctly naughty voice.

"Vixen."

"If you behave, you might find out later."

"Then consider me the best behaved boy in the school," I replied. Our verbal banter kept me interested and stimulated as she led me through corridors, up staircases and down sloping hallways. Eventually, I could feel the night breeze ruffling my hair. "Can you take the blindfold off now, Vixen?"

"Patience, my dear." Her breath across my earlobe stimulated me, and I yelped when she took it into her mouth. 

"You're torturing me," I warned. I tried to sound authoritative, but failed miserably as laughter bubbled up from out of nowhere. I felt free, and freedom was hard to come by in our troubled times.

"Good." She dragged the word out for several seconds, and I had to fight back the moan that I knew would be in my voice if I spoke again.

We walked for some minutes before coming to an abrupt halt. Suddenly, the blindfold was gone, and I was blinking in the silvery moonlight. I glanced over at her. Narcissa was made for the night. The moonlight glinted off her hair, and her eyes had never looked more soulful. She had spelled herself into some sexy Mugglewear inspired robes of emerald green. They were low cut, and swished at her knees as she moved. Between the glimpses of cleavage and bare legs, I was hard pressed to keep my mind off ravishing her.

After clearing my throat a few times, I spoke to her. "The Three Broomsticks, then?"

She shook her head, and motioned down the street. "I want to go to the Hog's Head."

I arched an eyebrow thoughtfully. The Hog's Head was quite a bit harder edged. "You like flirting with danger, don't you?" I wasn't sure if I was pleased or nervous about this. The potential for danger was there, and while I liked danger as much as the next guy did, I didn't want to be outclassed.

"Sometimes," she agreed, then her eyes hardened. "Am I going in there alone, Sirius?"

She had me with that sentence. We both knew that I wouldn't back down from the challenge in her eyes. "Not dressed like that you're not." I pulled her toward the pub, but my rapid strides slowed considerably as we got closer.

The Hog's Head looked like a rough place. A raw unfinished wood building stood in dim light. Ashes and smoke as well as the smell of various liquors both wizard and muggle pierced the air. Wizards stood outside, heckling some of the town witches as they walked rapidly by. As I wrapped an arm around Narcissa's waist, I saw something that made me stop in my tracks.

"Move, Sirius." Narcissa poked me in the back. "This is not a place to stop. Get inside." Her urgency spurred me into the smoky depths of the pub.

"Did you see…" I asked her as we made our way to a corner table.

"Did I see what?" Curiosity colored her tone.

"Snape," I told her breathlessly. "He was here with a blond guy. An adult wizard."

"Really?" We were seated at the perfect vantage point to study the door. After ordering a round of butterbeer to keep our heads clear, we leaned in close and studied the door between snogs. After a few minutes, a dark greasy head and a silver blonde head stood out.

"Oh," Narcissa said quietly. Her spine stiffened and she sat up in shock then leaned down close to me.

"What is it?" I replied, concern gnawing at my insides.

Narcissa leaned over until she was almost in my lap. "The man that Snape is with, I know him. His family's property borders my house. His name is Lucius Malfoy. He's said to be very interested in the dark arts." She shuddered and burrowed close.

I nodded thoughtfully. "Do you want to get out of here?" I asked her gently. Her unease was rubbing off on me.

"Please." She sounded young to me now. I gathered her close and escorted her out quickly. Thankfully, we didn't attract any notice. We walked back to Hogwarts slowly, holding hands and enjoying a companionable silence.

As we reached the heavy wooden door, she turned to meet my eyes. "I don't want to be alone tonight Sirius. Will you stay with me?" I knew that she was talking about comfort instead of sexual satisfaction, and for the first time in ages, it felt right. I wanted to help her. There would be time for sex later, if that was what we wanted.

In that moment, Narcissa began to own my heart.   



	3. Heartache

Title: My angel. My destruction. My heartache. My destiny (03/05)

Author name: CelticFlame

Author e-mail :Sirius@black.org

Category:dark romance

Keywords Sirius, James, Lily, slash, MWPP

Rating R

Spoilers None

Summary: Sirius is obsessed with his former lover. When the wrong person approaches him at the wrong time, his lapse in judgement could be his downfall.

Warnings: Implied Slash in chapter 1, please don't read this story if it bothers you

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Hello!

I'm so sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. A bit of writer's block bit me and I was trying to work through it in another story before realizing that putting it aside and working on this one was the best idea!

Back chapters can be found at http://66.186.219.233/breesden/breeficden/index.htm

Please tell me what you think of this chapter. It's a pivotal one and my muse, Padfooot, is pacing madly hoping that you'll like it! Your replies will be the sweetest most succulent piece of muse food to him. Feed a muse today! It's tax deductible!

Thanks for reading!

Bree

Chapter 3

When I awoke the next morning, I was snuggled securely in her arms. She was my angel, sleeping sweetly in my embrace. A small smile touched her face, and she looked vulnerable and beautiful at the same time. I could feel my heart melting as I watched her, and I knew that my life had irrevocably changed. 

"Sirius?" the urgent whisper had me turning my head. Lily Potter was beside our bed, looking like a goddess herself with her red locks flowing down her back. She bit her lip and shuffled nervously.

"Top o the morning to ye, Lil. Fancy meeting you here." I tried my Irish accent on her.

"Get out of there! What do you think you're doing? The others will be back from breakfast soon!" She tugged at my arm frantically.

"Well, all right then," I said with a roguish smile. My robes and other clothes had disappeared in a flurry of motion when Narcissa had requested skin to skin contact last night. "But you have to find me my robes."

Lily was hardly a maiden, but I might have thought she was an innocent by the way she flushed. Embarrassment quickly gave way to fury, and she nearly kicked my ankle. "Sirius Black, you have some explaining to do. What are you thinking?"

"I am thinking right now that you sound quite shrewish when angry," I quipped. Teasing Lily was quite fun sometimes. "And that your anger is giving me quite a view of yourself under your night robes."

"YOU!" Lily crossed her arms tightly over her chest and tapped her foot against the floor in annoyance. "You should go, Sirius. You shouldn't be here."

"Me," I replied mildly. "This is my first infraction, Lil, but I heard a rumor that the Head Boy and Girl are quite used to doing this." I just grinned as she colored even further and smacked my arm.

"I will be back in ten minutes," she replied with an indulgent smile, talking too calmly for my comfort. "Please be gone by then. The girls usually come back here after breakfast, and I wouldn't want them to see you here." She paused, and looked as if she wanted to say something further, but turned and started out the room instead. When she was at the doorway, she turned to look at me. "Be careful, Sirius."

"I will," I assured, and turned my gaze to Narcissa. She was lying still, but her breathing and expression had changed and I knew that she was awake. I watched her for a few moments before deciding that I should tickle her. She responded to the brush of my fingers over her rib cage with an irreverent giggle.

I turned around to look at her, realizing immediately that mornings were most kind to Narcissa. Her blond hair swirled around her head in a way that was messy, yet alluring. Her lips were still swollen from our fevered kisses last night, and she had an air of innocence about her that directly contrasted with her knowing smile.

"Lily seems a wee bit repressed," Narcissa remarked with a wicked smile.

I nodded and shook my head, good humor in every move." She acts like the prim and proper miss. She forgets that we all know what she and James do."

Narcissa leaned in even closer and put a long nailed hand on my chest, flicking at a nipple offhandedly. "What exactly do James and Lily do, Sirius. Tell me every delicious detail."

Her voice made me bite back a groan. I wanted to get into this flirtatious play, but we both knew that her dormitory wasn't the place. Perhaps Hagrid would loan me his hut for the day…

"Sirius?" Her inquiry brought me back to the present.

"Not now, love," I told her, knowing that there was a healthy dose of regret in my voice. "I'll arrange for something later. Some place where we can be totally alone, and discuss things in detail."

She gave me a knowing smile that began to inflame my senses. I knew that if I didn't leave her dormitory immediately, I would be caught doing something that might actually get me expelled. "You're leaving me?" Her expression turned to an absolutely sexy pout, and I almost forgot how to breathe as a wave of desire struck me hard.

"I have to. Meet me in the common room this afternoon. I promise that I will make it a time to remember." I fumbled for my clothes and rushed back to my dorm.

~*~

That magical day, I started to fall for Narcissa. She was my equal in everything and she was exciting enough to keep me occupied and fulfilled. We joined together that first afternoon in Hagrid's hut and made love. I had never done anything but the carnal act before, but I really felt I knew what making love was all about with Narcissa.

We grew together, we challenged each other, we fell in love. All of the other Gryffindors were shocked at the idea of us as a couple, but both of us knew that we were right. We fit together. We thought the same way.

I left for the Christmas break a changed man. Narcissa and I would be apart for a couple of weeks, but I would owl her every day. James and I would be together for most of the holidays, as our parents were quite close friends. Still, it wouldn't be the same without Narcissa. I had invited her to visit, but she refused, saying that her parents had some exciting news to share with her and that they had told her that she would be very busy over the break.

I found that perplexing, but understood familial responsibilities all too well. Plus, in this time of war, things were as far from normal as they could be.

Our parting was very emotional. Looking back, I wonder if I knew that fate was against us even then. I will always remember the desperate way she kissed me and the feel of her lips hungrily tasting mine. I brushed off her desperation with flirtation and promises of ecstasy to come. 

If I had only know what the future held for us. I might have suggested we run away together.

My holiday was a rather lonely one. All my owl posts came back unopened and my formerly spry owl, Gauntlet, had a haunted look in his eyes. I didn't know quite why that was, but I assumed that Narcissa's parents thought my companionship unsuitable to her, and stopped Gauntlet by whatever means necessary. I certainly did not fault her for not sending a message back with Gauntlet. Perhaps she was not even able to see him.

I nursed Gauntlet back to health, and was relieved when his eyes began sparkling again. I tried to brush away my sense of doom by burying myself in other tasks for the short break, but my mind was always on her. 

I had never felt this way before, and though it was dead frightening sometimes, I also felt exhilarated by my new relationship. We would prevail, I told myself. If her family was resistant, that would be a small barrier between us. We could overcome it. We were magic, and magic prevailed over all.

I knew so little then. but thought that I had the answers to all life's mysteries.

When we climbed aboard the Hogwart's Express, I searched all over for Narcissa. Lily finally told me that she wasn't a passenger on the train. She seemed unconcerned, but something ate away at me. Where was Narcissa, and why wasn't she on the train? Had something tragic happened in her household that prevented her from joining us for the start of the semester? Was she ill or wounded somehow?

I got my answer when we arrived at Hogsmeade station. I saw her blond head, but did not accurately comprehend her relationship with a blond man that looked familiar. They were laughing together as I walked up to her in a rush.

"Narcissa, are you well. I've missed you!" I leaned in to kiss her and was shocked when she planted a hand firmly in the middle of my chest. I met her eyes and saw something different in them. Instead of the soft laughing depths, I now found cold ice.

"Hello, Sirius," she said quietly, and I gulped as I realized that her voice had taken on a frosty tone. "Have you met my fiancé, Lucius Malfoy?"

That was the moment when my angel became my nightmare and my everlasting heartbreak.


End file.
